“Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”” (John 11:32-36 ESV)
I was in my early 40s when the doctor diagnosed my mother with congestive heart failure. She died four years later. My father died eight years after my mother. These were grieving years for me, excruciatingly painful, yet, precious and beloved times I will always cherish. Our family knew my parents were headed to heaven and that was a real blessing in our grief.
The first adjustment was with the loss of mother’s strength and her ability to cook as she had for all her married years. Yards of oxygen tubes became her lifelines in the big country farmhouse. Her walker and Bible were constant companions. My parents were born again believers, baptized together in the cold Iowa River near Liscomb, Iowa.
My mother’s last years were filled with nurse visits and doctor appointments. My days became filled with planning meals, grocery shopping, stocking the cupboard with easy meals, running errands, laundry, cleaning, pill organization, taking my father to church with us, and dividing the tasks during the week with other family members’ visits. It required lots of juggling. The best moments were spent sitting next to my mother’s and then my father’s chair listening to their stories, their thoughts. Each goodbye featured a beloved hug and kiss and “I love you”.
During the 30-minute drives to and from the family farm I prayed for my parents’ health, and for guidance, that I’d be aware of their needs. I counted on Christian radio to bless me as I drove and prayed. I knew the prayers of our church family were with us also; that helped. I realized I couldn’t do it all.
I was reminded of Moses’ father-in-law Jethro, in Exodus. Jethro had watched Moses try and do it all so he made a suggestion. “And let them (able men) judge the people at all times. Every great matter they shall bring to you, but any small matter they shall decide themselves. So it will be easier for you, and they will bear the burden with you. If you do this, God will direct you, you will be able to endure, and all this people also will go to their place in peace,” (Exodus 18:22-23 ESV).
Watching my father grieve his wife of 66 years made the burden of my own grief heavier. I tried to be strong for him but often ended up crying with him. My father seemed to age more quickly in his loneliness. My sisters and I worked at making his life easier; meeting his physical needs and listening, taking care of his finances and being with him as much as possible.
Everyone’s situation with aging parents is different. Sometimes distance is a factor. Illness damages the quality of life and destroys opportunities. There are broken relationships and sometimes, unbelief too. But, one thing I’m glad I did was to really listen to their stories. Take notes. Ask all the questions you’ve wondered about their lives and family history. Just love them and help them through the changes they never chose to experience. Comfort them with love in their losses of independence and dignity. Peace comes after the grief moves on, slowly and gradually.
Christian author, pastor and radio speaker, Charles Swindoll, suggests four ways to comfort someone who is grieving – the way Jesus Christ did in Luke 11:32-44.
“Like Jesus with the sisters of Lazarus in the crucible of grief, be real (He wept), be quiet (He took their angry rebukes), be supportive (He was deeply moved), be available (He stayed by their side). No big sermons, no leaflets, no attempts to correct their misunderstandings, not even a frown that suggested disapproval. He let grief run its course. Our Lord believed, as we should, that we are healed of grief only when we express it to the full. Perhaps this explains why so many are grieving… and so few are comforting.” (Charles Swindoll, Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life)
I’m so thankful that God was with me during those difficult years of grief. I can’t imagine walking through trials without Jesus. Just as He ministered to Mary and Martha, Jesus comforts me with the promise of seeing my parents again one day in our heavenly home. I will never regret taking time to help my aging parents.
“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart,” (Proverbs 3:3 NIV).